I've come to a realization this last week...I realize that I am a fearful person. If you know me at all, you'd NEVER say that as I tend to make decisions rather quickly and also many times jump before I think. But it's true. I think being overweight for most of my life has given me a fearful heart in many ways. Here's why...
The other night when our friend Steven was here we went to Cosetta's in downtown St Paul. We met Mike and Ann for dinner and stood inside waiting for them. The place was very busy so Chris thought that someone should go upstairs to find a table big enough. So we went upstairs and Ann, Mike and Steven all stood in the line to get their food. (It's kind of cafeteria style.) Anyway, Chris went upstairs while I was still talking and then I headed up. It was almost like PTSD when I stood at the foot of the stairs. The last time I had been to Cosetta's was when Chris and I were planning our wedding, about FIVE years ago! The food is GREAT and he's mentioned various times about going there but I always pick somewhere else. I didn't even realize it but I was picking somewhere else because of those stairs!!! It's a crazy set of stairs and I remember climbing them that first time with Chris and being sweaty, out of breath, and about ready to pass out.
This time, I did them twice with no problem. Once to wait with Chris and then again after we had gone back down to get our food.
I know this will sound VERY crazy to those of you who are at a healthy weight, but for someone who is as overweight as me, life looks different. Normal activities are harder, and sometimes impossible. I used to say that being overweight didn't bother me. It didn't. I learned this weekend that I have simply avoided doing what made me uncomfortable... Cosetta's, the fair, MOA, even walking around the upper level of IKEA.... I'd suck it up and do those things but they were never ever my favorite. But... JUST like the stairs at Cosetta's didn't bother me at all this time, I need to remind myself that the other things that were scary before I was in better shape are going to be JUST FINE.
I also think this plays a part of me not enjoying cardio. I really don't. It's funny though... when I get to the gym I AM FINE... I love how my body feels and I am SO proud of the sweat on my shirt when I work out hard enough to get the little circle on the front of my collar. lol Weird, I know. But I think the ANTICIPATION is the bad part. I anticipate feeling like I did 5 years ago, the miserable, not being able to walk a half mile without passing out feelings. I haven't experienced healthy for long enough to remember that I CAN walk for an hour on the treadmill and not die and that it's actually fun! I've known the chubby out of shape Cheryl for so long, that it's hard for me to remember that I'm not her anymore. I'm a healthy person who likes to move her body and eat things that are healthy and not things that are going to destroy her health.
So if you're living your life out of fear, if it's ruling you in any way....take heart! Whether it's weight issues or just simply life... We CAN be past it, sometimes we just have to remember how far we've come.