Thursday, September 10, 2009
I bought a little kid's cd because I was going to do youth music at church until it totally freaked me out and I said no.
BUT.. the song by Casting Crowns -The voice of Truth-was resung on there and the words rung LOUDLY in my ears. The song talks about listening to the Voice of Truth and not the lies that we have learned to believe.
Sometimes I'm just so afraid to try again, to invest my time, energy and my whole heart, and that's what it takes. Because I'm SCARED. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid and all I seem to hear are those voices telling me that it's not going to work and I'll never be able to beat this.
But I (WE) need to take heart and know that God is the voice of truth. And HIS message is one of freedom and love. Love when we fail and freedom from the guilt that has been ruling life. He gave us perfect bodies and wants us to be healthy. So... won't He then support us and give us the tools to do it? The tools to get through the rough stuff, the pain, and the doubt.
I'm choosing to listen and believe. I want the good things HE has for me on the other side of this. I'm ready to use my success for HIS glory and not for mine. I want a healthy body to use in service to Him. It's time I stop listening to the giant and listen to One who is bigger and stronger and who tells me to not be afraid. :)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I guess in that is my answer.
I've been struggling as of late, ever since June when we lost my Father in law. His last conversation with me while he lay in bed on his last day here on earth was one about getting healthy. His last words to me were to encourage me to lose weight. He didn't want me to struggle with health issues caused by being overweight. I made him a promise that day and I intend to keep it. Struggles or not. I will lose my weight. I will get thin and enjoy this life as the gift it is. He's gone, but I'm not. I'm still here. And I need to be responsible with the body God gave me. I need to take care of it and live the life that I'm meant to.
I said that I've been struggling lately. Oh man have I been!!! I've also been trying to figure out why, or what is really going on. I think it's because I was starting to believe the lie that I've always believed. That I CAN'T DO IT. Ummm.. yeah I can! I KNOW I can, or I never would have started this blog. That alone proves that at least for one moment, I believed I can do this.
I also think my year mark was detrimental to my progress. During the first year I thought, this isn't that bad. I can SO do this. But then July came, after our HUGE loss in June, and I was worn out. I just didn't believe that I had another year in me. I even told my friend Jen that I was stopping the blog because I just "DIDN'T HAVE TIME." That grew over into my workouts and then into my nutrition. I just DON'T HAVE TIME. That is such a bunch of crap. Yes I do. I have time to watch TV, or talk on the phone, or go out to eat. I also have time to grab candy from my co-workers candy bowls. (There are some GOOD candy bowls here!) ugh!!!
I gotta get it together man!
It's time to start believing in ME again and in my ability to beat this.
Anyone with me?
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
OK, I have an assignment for you. I was just listening to my Jillian podcast and she asked WHAT DO YOU WANT?
So... What do YOU want... why do you want this? Do you want to wear a bikini? Do you want to wear those jeans you haven't been able to zip for the last three years? Do you want to run a 5K? Do you want to be able to walk a flight of stairs and not be out of breath at the end?
Honesty...I haven't been blogging because I've been a bit out of the game. I tried to wear a pair of capri's that TOTALLY fit this last spring, but nope, not the other day!!! UGH! I went the wrong way people!!! I don't know why. I'm trying to figure it out. I know it's because I've been a gym skipper and a snacker like NONE other, but WHY? AS I figure that out, the Why, I'm going to look at the above WHY. I'm thinking that to find my new motivation to keep me going after doing this for a whole year, that it will do me well to relook at WHAT I want and WHY I want it.
I challenge you to join in the fun. :)
(And my computer is back up and running, so I'll be able to blog much more regularly! YAY) So keep reading. :)
And those of you who don't want to comment on here, can totally e-mail me your list. I really want to read them. Even if you're not doing it yet, send me your lists people!!!
Friday, August 14, 2009
The other night when our friend Steven was here we went to Cosetta's in downtown St Paul. We met Mike and Ann for dinner and stood inside waiting for them. The place was very busy so Chris thought that someone should go upstairs to find a table big enough. So we went upstairs and Ann, Mike and Steven all stood in the line to get their food. (It's kind of cafeteria style.) Anyway, Chris went upstairs while I was still talking and then I headed up. It was almost like PTSD when I stood at the foot of the stairs. The last time I had been to Cosetta's was when Chris and I were planning our wedding, about FIVE years ago! The food is GREAT and he's mentioned various times about going there but I always pick somewhere else. I didn't even realize it but I was picking somewhere else because of those stairs!!! It's a crazy set of stairs and I remember climbing them that first time with Chris and being sweaty, out of breath, and about ready to pass out.
This time, I did them twice with no problem. Once to wait with Chris and then again after we had gone back down to get our food.
I know this will sound VERY crazy to those of you who are at a healthy weight, but for someone who is as overweight as me, life looks different. Normal activities are harder, and sometimes impossible. I used to say that being overweight didn't bother me. It didn't. I learned this weekend that I have simply avoided doing what made me uncomfortable... Cosetta's, the fair, MOA, even walking around the upper level of IKEA.... I'd suck it up and do those things but they were never ever my favorite. But... JUST like the stairs at Cosetta's didn't bother me at all this time, I need to remind myself that the other things that were scary before I was in better shape are going to be JUST FINE.
I also think this plays a part of me not enjoying cardio. I really don't. It's funny though... when I get to the gym I AM FINE... I love how my body feels and I am SO proud of the sweat on my shirt when I work out hard enough to get the little circle on the front of my collar. lol Weird, I know. But I think the ANTICIPATION is the bad part. I anticipate feeling like I did 5 years ago, the miserable, not being able to walk a half mile without passing out feelings. I haven't experienced healthy for long enough to remember that I CAN walk for an hour on the treadmill and not die and that it's actually fun! I've known the chubby out of shape Cheryl for so long, that it's hard for me to remember that I'm not her anymore. I'm a healthy person who likes to move her body and eat things that are healthy and not things that are going to destroy her health.
So if you're living your life out of fear, if it's ruling you in any way....take heart! Whether it's weight issues or just simply life... We CAN be past it, sometimes we just have to remember how far we've come.
Friday, August 7, 2009
It just has felt like something is holding me back from it. Something keeping it JUST out of reach. I don't know if it's psychological or if I'm sabotaging it or if I don't really believe I can get there or blah blah blah... I don't think it matters why. Don't get me wrong. I think that there are a LOT of psychological reasons why people become and stay severly overweight, including for me. And I think that working on those things are GREAT!!! But sometimes, you just have to dig in your heals and just do it. I have all the tools, an amazing husband who is so supportive, a great trainer who pushes me to do things I REALLY don't think I can do, friends who love me and want to see me healthy... there really is NO reason I can't do this. If I don't, it's because of me. It will be because of the choiced I have made.
Jen and I made this little wager. She and I both set a goal. If we both meet them, then we are going to have a clean eating and healthy potluck. If SHE makes it and I don't I have to make her a healthy meal and vice versa when I totally bring it and hit my goal. HA! I really hate to cook, so it's totally game on.
I did really well with it for the first week, the last couple of days have been a bit nutty due to some GREAT news in our little family, to be talked about later. Breifly..things on the adoption front are getting VERY exciting for us. It's very early in the process so I'll wait til I have more to share about this. (If you're dying e-mail me and I will tell you more, just not wanting to BLOG it for the whole world to possibly see!) ;) (But if you could pray for us THAT would be SO great!)
So...during the last couple of days there have been a few treats and we also have had two days off from the Y, but are back today! It's amazing how life, even the great parts will throw you for a loop at times. But no more... What is going on is a great thing and life will continue to bring both the good and the bad. Focus is necessary and crucial. I'm still figuring this out!
So Jen, watch out and you better get your veggies ready!!!!
Ohhhh also a quick hello to the new readers who have said hi.. and Steph.. I TOTALLY remember you! :)
ok,,, off to work!!! It's Friday!!!!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
There's lots more to say but it seems that I'm at a loss. We lost Chris' Dad in June and this makes our loss feel very fresh to us. The situation was different but both are such a great loss.
Losing a parent is somewhat inevitable but at the same time you just never ever think it will happen. I've meant to post about Sal and our loss but haven't taken the chance to. I think it makes me feel to much that I haven't been ready to feel. Through the last few days though, I've been thinking about him a lot and the wisdom that he left us with. I'm going to do my best to share later about our last conversation, it's very fitting for this blog. I do want to sort it out a bit more though.
Thank you for praying for my friend. May she know the peace that only her creator can give.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
For this post... I'm just posting questions.
I've been doing a lot of self examination today, and wanted your input.
More honesty...for the last 6 months my husband and I both have been in a holding pattern. We did REALLY well in the first 6 months. I lost close to 60 lbs and he lost 40ish. THAT is pretty rockstar!!! BUT... I've been gaining and losing the same 5-10 lbs SINCE THEN!!!
People have told me that it's just muscle gain (Ummm CRAP) or that my body is changing even though the scale isn't (ok, I'll take a little of that) OR... the most ridiculous one... I've hit a plateau!!!! Ummm NO... full on crap! I'm 300lbs, you don't hit plateaus when you are 300 lbs. I have far too much weight to lose off of my 5'6" body to say I've hit a plateau. AND even more ridiculous... there is NO way that both Chris and I hit the same plateau at the same time.
NOPE...we eat crap and we use excuses to not go to the gym.
That's are plateau.
So... trying to get back in it adn be in it and not fall out of it.
Here are my questions for you...
What do you do when it's going well? How do you keep yourself going?
What do you do when life gets crazy? How do you keep yourself going?
Do you use rewards? Do you not need them?
What do you do when you go out to eat?
How often do you go out to eat?
and my most serious question....
What do you do when you just don't WANT to? Simple as that. I sometimes just don't want to.
ok, last question...
Do you ever have moments that you're sitting on the couch instead of going to the gym or eating something that you KNOW you shouldn't have (ahem, Texas Roadhouse buns-did you know that they have 227 cals and that's WITHOUT the butter?) and you just don't care.. you know you should but you don't?
OK, bring on the comments. :)
Friday, July 24, 2009
Somewhere along the line this year I've taught myself that if I don't write it down, it didn't happen. I became SO attached to my food journal, that I would write down everything religiously. But.. if I had a little chocolate here or there, I'd leave it off. No need to write it down, it was LITTLE. So then that grew to just skipping writing it down all together. So during the last month I just haven't been writing down my food! WHEN did that happen? AND then that gave me the excuse to eat whatever I wanted.
So on the way to work this morning I was thinking about my week and trying to figure out how in the world I would have gained three lbs! It shouldn't have happened, it's not fair, none of this is worth it if I'm working so hard and still GAINING weight! I was running through my brain about what I was doing when we were losing weight quickly and how is it different... NOTHING I could come up with NOTHING... but then I REMEMBERED. Seriously I think I had blanked it out... We had Texas Roadhouse on Monday for supper and Chinese buffet on Wednesday for lunch. Could those two meals seriously have ruined ALL of my work? YEP! it DID! I'm sure of it! I had THREE buns at Texas Roadhouse with cinnamon and sugar butter on them AND we had the mini cactus blossum. I'm pretty sure to, that I ate more than my share.
HOW RIDICULOUS! Those two places are NOT worth being fat forever! They aren't. I also can't believe that I was getting SO used to ignoring what I was eating. Kind of a big smack in the head for me today I think.
Now.. I'm a religious logger of food. Every single bite. Every sweet little chocolate chip that passes these lips is getting written down AND logged into fitday.com!!!! NO more pretending. It's time to get real again. No more buns, no more cactus blossums, no more chinese buffet. I'm working far to hard to ruin all this for a BUN!!!! ugh!
Here we go.... Feel free to ask me at any time what the last thing I ate was. I commit to you to being 100% honest.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Normally when I don't blog for a while it's a sign that I'm not doing super well, I have nothing great to report, and there isn't much good going on in my head so no great revelations happening. So... I don't blog. But lately it's a little different. I'm doing ok. I'm steady. Not moving mountains, but steady.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about "wanting" in a couple of different ways. Why do I want to be thin and healthy and why do I NOT want to work out. Yep, I'm confessing it. I do NOT want to do the work to get what I want. So I've been trying to figure that one out. I DO workout and I DO eat healthy, but if I'm being really honest I don't WANT to. Lot's of my workouts these days are complete drudgery. The only one's I really enjoy are the times I am with my trainer Tahna. SHE is amazing and her energy is SO contagious. I really feel like she could tell me to climb a mountain and if she says I can do it, I'll be at the top in no time. I'm having a hard time however finding that in myself.
What do you do to stay motivated? And is motivation really important? How do you stick with it when it's really NOT something you enjoy all the time. Do you think my enjoyment of working out will come back? (I used to enjoy it a LOT more...) Thoughts?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
AND it's my year anniversary of working with Tahna!
ONE year down...more to go!
I think it was actually a good thing to have a bit of a break and just "be." I still haven't mastered how to BE the new person I am ALL the time 100% and sometimes it just gets to be overwhelming! So... it was a break I needed and now it's over.
I worked out with Tahna last night. She KICKED my bootie!!! HOLY COW!!! I went in knowing it was going to be pretty bad since I hadn't really worked out in 4 days and had been pretty free with what I was eating. BUT... I texted her at about noon and asked for an extra hard workout. It was going to be brutal anyway, so why not make it worth while! Well, she brought it! There was lots of kickboxing, lunges, and squats, oh... and the lunges and squats were with kettle bells. I followed her workout up with a 45 minute one of my own-the New leaf Zone workout for last night. I made it through, could barely sleep from my sore muscles, but I feel GOOD!!! I feel alive and strong and can't wait to get back there tonight. Today is supposed to be my day off, but I've just had several days off... so it's ON for tonight!
Also, it's only good food for me today. We do treats at work for our birthday. The person whose birthday before yours brings treats for you. So.. my dear friend Heather is going to bring ice cream treats... I specifically requested Klondike Slim a Bear treats... they are still a treat, but with a fraction of the calories and sugar of other crazy stuff!!! Giving myself a pat on the back for picking something everyone can enjoy and I can still eat. Usually we have donuts!!!!
Have a great day...and do something healthy for yourself today!!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Here's what was on the menu...(and what I had) :(
Bruchetta Chicken (probably about a 4-5 oz piece)
New York strip steak (they cut it off the end for me so that it was well done, maybe 6 oz?) (Mine was pretty thin)
MASHED POTATO'S!!! I'm sorry but I had seconds of these. Dude, they were SO GOOD!
pasta salad with parmesan cheese and chicken. I just took a little and ate it first!
and this breaded fish stuff. I don't even really like fish, but it was YUMMY! and just a little piece, probably 3-4 oz.
Then they of course had a dessert section, I had pecan pie. It was a small piece, but I am SURE that the calories even in a small piece of pecan pie should NOT find their way in my mouth!
So yep, FAILED!!!
FOOD ONE-CHERYL ZERO!!!!!
I'm going to chalk this up as a cheat meal and hope that I've done well enough, and that I can bring it the next few days to make up for it. Wishful thinking makes me want to believe that maybe my body NEEDED a high calorie meal. lol UGH!
I'm going to drink lots of water today. Maybe that will help to?
On a positive note...I think I learned something about how to function within the "world." AND my determination is even stronger today. It's really life or death that I get this figured out. I also learned that it's a big stumbling block for me if other people around me are eating what I can't. It's not new news that I don't like to tell myself no. So when other people are enjoying what I want to eat, then I tell myself that I can have it and give up the fight pretty darn easily. But maybe I'm doing the same thing. Maybe my eating in an unhealthy way is making it hard for them to? Hmmmm, new thought.
Ohhhh we took some GREAT pictures that I'll try to post tonight. I also need to post our 5K pics!!! We have CAKE and presents with my sis in law tonight, but I'll get it done. :)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
So...my new focus is on those situations. Chris and I do really well when we are in the confines of our own home, but put us in a different situation and we stumble and sometimes just fall flat on our face. I think I used to justify eating the junk because it's a special occasion, or I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, or it's JUST THIS ONE TIME. But I'm very much realizing lately that it's more than just "this one time." It's ALL the time.
So... here's the deal. I'm done with that. We're going out for dinner tonight and I'm going to eat according to ME and what I need in my body, not what everyone else is putting on their plate. (It's a buffet!) DANGER DANGER! We're also going to my sisters on Sunday for lunch. I'm going to ask her to grill and take something healthy along to grill for Chris and I. We'll also provide a lettuce salad on Sunday so that we are SURE to be ok. My sis is an amazing cook and LOVES to do it. I LOVE to eat it so it's always been a good combo. But it's time that it ends. :) She'll love me even if I don't eat her food... Right?
I think I just need to prove to myself that I can function in the real world. We've mastered making our home a safe eating place. We don't buy junk. We don't bring it into our house. But we find it anyway out in the world. I'm going to live my life like it's one big TEMPTATION, like on Biggest Loser! I can do this! I can control what I put in my body in ALL situations!
How do you do it? What do you do to limit what you eat in social situations? Do you find it hard to?
Friday, June 19, 2009
If I had a bad day and ate caramel bars, then it was just a bad day. I wouldn't post about it. I'd write when I had an epiphany I wanted to share or when I had accomplished something great. But now... if I disappear for a few days, then it's out there, people KNOW! YOU will know! But I guess that's what makes a journey a journey. It's not easy, I KNOW that! There are great days and there are tough days. I make great choices and I make not so great choices. I'm not giving myself permission to have the bad caramel eating days, but more just acknowledging that they happen. And when they happen I will write about them.
I've been thinking about something lately. At the start of all this a year ago I searched and searched for motivation. On days where I didn't feel motivated, I'd sit on the couch watching TV because I just couldn't get MOTIVATED. Now...I think the trick is searching for DEDICATION... Motivation is fleeting and hard to find. Dedication is based on the reasons I started this whole thing in the first place. Dedication is built around ALL of ways I want my life to change. Those reasons are constant.
What do you think about that? Do you think it's more about MOTIVATION or is it more about DEDICATION? Can you do it if you're not motivated? If it IS about being motivated...how do you stay motivated? What do you do that helps you along and keeps you going? How do I get myself to workout when I really just want to take a nap? What works for you?
Monday, June 1, 2009
I wanted to talk about something that has been bothering me. Every time we go to Iowa and I mean EVERY time... we fall off the wagon and eat JUNK the whole weekend. We go into the weekend with good intentions and then fail miserably.
Too many people... other people have plans for us when we come home and those plans usually include food and not
food that fits into a nutritious, low fat, low cal diet. And it's DEFINATELY NOT clean eating!
Chaos... I don't do well with chaos. It makes me nervous and anxious and I just can't function well within it. Due to the
above mentioned "many people" there is indefinately a lot of people
They don't understand...They just really don't "get" what we're trying to do. They know we're trying to lose weight and
and they TOTALLY support it, but just really don't understand HOW we're trying to do this. I'm sure that part of the
time they think we're crazy, and part of the time, they genuinely don't understand good nutrition. My Dad this weekend
wanted to treat us and make us BROWNIES with his new mixer. And MAN...those brownies were good. Throughout
the weekend I ate FOUR!!!! They were cut really tiny, but I was SO glad when my sister's family came and ate the rest
of the pan!
Food available...My brother owns a bakery, YEP a BAKERY!!! We've been able to stay away from it and when we've
gone, we've been able to say no every time while we're there. BUT.. the stuff from the bakery are ALWAYS
available. Like this weekend, there were donuts on top of my parent's fridge. I said no to that, but not to the
shortbread cookies they had there, or those crazy brownies, or the mini milky way bars (I had two).
I don't know... I guess it comes down to that I just don't KNOW why we fall so hard in Iowa... it's like we cross the
border and crave bad food! AND I guess that it doesn't matter. We just can't do it again.
We put a lot of plans in place this weekend to do well, so our intention is there. We are just so easily derailed!
We stopped at Applebees and got a chicken sandwich with broccoli for our lunch on the way down on Saturday.
GREAT CHOICE and pats on the back for Chris and Cheryl...and we had planned ahead for the brownies. We were going
to eat one and then work out at the wellness center to burn those calories. Then my sister and her family came and we had a bonfire, HOT DOGS, BRATS, and my new favorite food of Satan... smores made with fudge striped cookies. I only had one, but wanted MANY MANY more! ugh!
So...what do you think. What do we do to set a plan and then KEEP that plan? It's easy to say "just make a plan and stick to it." But REALLY that doesn't work. So I need ideas! and some good ones! We're not going back for a few more weeks... so we've got time. It's a battle, how do we win it?
oh.. and stay tuned... I have another post coming soon. WE DID OUR 5K!!! AND I have pics! :)
Monday, April 20, 2009
get some on here. :)
This was toward the end of the night and I had a HUGE headache...thus the very tired looking eyes. :)
Angie, Haley, JESSICA, and me. :)
Me and Amy :)
The cool think though, is that after they do the readings, they print out a 12 week program that if done diligently will take me from where I was on Thursday to a much better place in 12 weeks! So I have a 3 month program that if I follow it will help me lose 2 lbs/wk and increase my cardio ability in amazing ways! How exciting is that? Chris does his test on Sunday! I'm SO excited to do this with him and see where it takes us in 12 weeks. My other niece, Nicole, is getting married next summer, so it'll be amazing to see how far we can get before then. I plan to be smokin' hot myself!
I'm supposed to start the New leaf tonight, so I have to see if I can get to the Y or take Tig for a walk. Our car was hit last night by the pizza delivery person so Chris won't let me drive it until it is looked at by the estimator. :( I would take Tigo for a walk but it's raining right now. So... pray that it stops raining so I can at least do that. If not though, I have a back up plan! I have two days off...Wed and Fri that I can fill in with today's and Sunday's workouts! It's just so cool that it seems like such a no fail plan... If it fails, then it's all on me. I really feel like I have a great tool that'll help me get to where I want to be!
So stay tuned......
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Tonight is Tahna after work so tonight won't be good either. But soon, I promise soon!
Hope you all have a great day!
Did I mention that I'm wearing flip flops for the FIRST TIME of the season today!?!?!
It's officially now spring!
Monday, April 13, 2009
tonight with a pic of my new hair, but first I wanted to tell you about my Saturday morning experience!!!
The Y that Chris and I go to offers this program called NEW LEAF. I've been trying to get Chris to do it for a long time and finally WE (I wasn't really planning on the WE part) signed up for it.
Chris has to wait for his trainer to be available to do his, but Tahna was ready to start things up on Saturday morning!!!! So bright and early we showed up at the Y on Saturday and I was
taken into the back office, fitted with this crazy looking black mask that had a tube sticking out where my mouth was. I'm sure I was super hot! After she hooked me all up she shut off the lights and left the room for 15 minutes. She, for the first time ever, told me to sit back, put my feet up and RELAX!!! Can you imagine being told by your trainer to relax? I LOVED it!
The mask/tube thingy was hooked up to a machine with a computer that measured my carbon dioxide output... thus somehow determining my resting metabolic rate.
HOW cool is that?
Results... My RMR (Resting metabolic rate) was 2226 calories. So... if I did nothing all day and sat on the couch I would burn 2226 calories. That basically is what my body needs to function. Tahna then entered a level for my daily activity which since I have a desk job is LIGHT.
That gave us a final rate of 2894. So if I did not excercise and just did my normal daily routine, then I could eat 2894 calories and not gain anything or lose anything. BUT...the point of all of this work is to LOSE weight so we had to have a plan.
Our plan is to create 1000 calorie deficit each day by dropping 500 calories off of my daily caloric intake and then burning 500 calories per day with exercise.
So... I'll be eating 2394 calories per day and then burning 500 calories with whatever I do for working out each day. THUS giving me a 1000 calorie deficit that adds up to 7000 per week.
A pound is 3500 so I should be able to lose 2 lbs per week getting me to 250lbs by Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure hitting 250 by then will deter me from the Pecan Pie!
On days I don't work out, then I should drop 1000 calories off of my diet and days if I slip up, then I would work out more to burn those calories. It's all just simple math, right?
It'll be a lot of work, but I've got it in me. It'll help that Chris is doing it to!
More about the weekend to come.....
The contest is based on this great site www.mixmygranola.com I just checked it out and you get to seriously mix your own granola with lots of yummy healthy stuff! I just entered the contest, but plan on trying it anyway, even if I don't win!
ANYWAY... check out the contest on Jen's blog at www.priorfatgirl.com
(Stay tuned...I got a sassy new haircut/color that I'm going to show you all later this afternoon/tonight!) One more step to the new Cheryl!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
"DIG DEEP AND GET OVER IT.... YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF"
She was actually talking about smoking. But I believe the same can be said for weight loss, or really anything for that matter.
Sometimes we just gotta dig deep. You never know what you're made of until it's tested, and trust me we're made of a lot! I have found over the last year that there have been times where I have fallen, but there are SO many MORE times where I've been able to NOT fall and keep fighting. These are the moments where it's worth it. The hardest fought battles are the one's that bring us the most growth and joy after we make it through and win.
I took Tigo for a walk yesterday and I think I need to wear my new shoes as about 1/4 mile in, my right shin and calf muscle started to THROB....My first thought was... "See, this is why I don't walk. I can't do it. I should just turn around and go back." But I looked at Tigo's sweet little face enjoying every single step and decided to keep going.
My next thought was..."I'm NOT going to die, I'm not even injuring myself. I can do this and I won't let the pain stop me." It's funny how after I made that conscious decision, I really don't remember being in pain. It just went away. Kind like since I fought, it gave up and left.
We went a little over a mile and I pushed myself to go as fast as I could with as few breaks as I could. We made it home with Tigo still having several miles left in him, but that's for today! I'm going to fight that pain again and go faster and farther!
Just one step at a time, one battle at a time, one victory at a time and I'll get there. I'll get to my goal weight. I know that it's going to take time, but time I have! Along with the desire, will, and dream to do something GREAT!!!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Last night I had a session with my trainer, Tahna, and it did NOT go well. I just felt weak and out of breath and pretty much just plain pathetic! I really don't want to talk so negatively about myself, but man, I'm serious!!! It was BAD! I usually can do the workouts ok, and I take what she gives me knowing that it will make me stronger and in better shape. It's why we hired trainers in the first place. She gives me a great workout and I get to carry the skills that she teaches with me, to pull out and do on my own. Last night was a different story. We basically did a lot of walking squats and lunges...part with a barbell. When I wimped out she switched to dumbells. That was a little easier, but in no means was I anything close to impressive!
I just felt bad...and angry.... I felt bad that I was wasting Tahna's time and angry because I know I should be in a much different place and be able to do SO much more. It was all just ridiculous.
Well, the session ended and I decided I wasn't quite ready to go home. The plan had been ahead of time to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes after my workout. I wanted to stick to my plan and just needed some time to clear my head a bit. I also knew that if I didn't stick to my plan and run out of there like I wanted, I would have only felt worse.
Getting to my point....While walking, I realized that I am SUCH an externally motivated girl! I so often give others the power to encourage me or destroy me. THAT is ridiculous! This is MY life and I only get one. So when Ali on the biggest loser told the contestant that it was his MOMENT TO CHOOSE.....I grabbed hold of that. I have a moment to, as we all do. I not only have this moment, but I want it. I want it more than anything.
I've been told by so many people that if you want something bad enough you'll make it happen and do the work. I don't yet know if this is true I just know that so far...I haven't gotten what I have wanted so much for so long. I can't imagine that I could want to be thin any more than I already do. I think it's more about the willingness to work through the pain, physical and emotional and get to the other side. So that's what I'm working on getting through the stuff..
This blog is a chance to tell my story so that someone else's journey might be a little easier. If I truly can do what I'm trying to do, then maybe others will believe that they can accomplish their wildest dreams as well.
(Long post I know, but hang in there....)
I've been "chubby" since about 3rd grade...maintained that chubbiness and just lived life...I continued to gain weight until about a year ago when a OBGYN Oncologist, yep a CANCER doctor basically told me that I wasn't capable of losing weight (which would reverse my "condition" that was threatening to develop into cancer) and she thought the best thing was for me to have a surgery to remove my uterus. I really really don't like to be told that I can't do something, add in her quick response to remove a body part due to her unbelief that I could lose weight.. and I was so angry!!! This wasn't just a snap decision!!! This was my life and future and Chris' future as well! NO WAY!!! After that, for a couple of months I focused on eating less and moving more. In July of 2008, Chris and I went to the Y and hired personal trainers. That has been the GREATEST thing I have ever done! They keep us on track and pull us back when we get off track.
I promise to you and to me that I will make that number go down!!!
This is YOUR moment, this is your moment to choose.
That comment resonated with me so strongly. This IS my moment. It IS my choice. I can choose to be and get healthy or I can choose to stay in the junk and continue to let myself get thown around by life and the people in it. For me, I'm choosing this moment to reach my goals. I'm choosing THIS moment and every moment after.
I hope you can join me for this journey. I can't wait for the day when I get to post pictures of ME looking great and doing things that I'm not able to do on this day. I am barely able right now to figure out what those things even will be.
But I'll figure it out. I'll dream, and sweat, and work, and take chances. I'm convinced that I have it in me to get there. I have what it takes to beat this. I will be thin someday. It's going to take every day to get there, but I'll get there.