Last night I had a session with my trainer, Tahna, and it did NOT go well. I just felt weak and out of breath and pretty much just plain pathetic! I really don't want to talk so negatively about myself, but man, I'm serious!!! It was BAD! I usually can do the workouts ok, and I take what she gives me knowing that it will make me stronger and in better shape. It's why we hired trainers in the first place. She gives me a great workout and I get to carry the skills that she teaches with me, to pull out and do on my own. Last night was a different story. We basically did a lot of walking squats and lunges...part with a barbell. When I wimped out she switched to dumbells. That was a little easier, but in no means was I anything close to impressive!
I just felt bad...and angry.... I felt bad that I was wasting Tahna's time and angry because I know I should be in a much different place and be able to do SO much more. It was all just ridiculous.
Well, the session ended and I decided I wasn't quite ready to go home. The plan had been ahead of time to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes after my workout. I wanted to stick to my plan and just needed some time to clear my head a bit. I also knew that if I didn't stick to my plan and run out of there like I wanted, I would have only felt worse.
Getting to my point....While walking, I realized that I am SUCH an externally motivated girl! I so often give others the power to encourage me or destroy me. THAT is ridiculous! This is MY life and I only get one. So when Ali on the biggest loser told the contestant that it was his MOMENT TO CHOOSE.....I grabbed hold of that. I have a moment to, as we all do. I not only have this moment, but I want it. I want it more than anything.
I've been told by so many people that if you want something bad enough you'll make it happen and do the work. I don't yet know if this is true I just know that so far...I haven't gotten what I have wanted so much for so long. I can't imagine that I could want to be thin any more than I already do. I think it's more about the willingness to work through the pain, physical and emotional and get to the other side. So that's what I'm working on getting through the stuff..
This blog is a chance to tell my story so that someone else's journey might be a little easier. If I truly can do what I'm trying to do, then maybe others will believe that they can accomplish their wildest dreams as well.
(Long post I know, but hang in there....)
I've been "chubby" since about 3rd grade...maintained that chubbiness and just lived life...I continued to gain weight until about a year ago when a OBGYN Oncologist, yep a CANCER doctor basically told me that I wasn't capable of losing weight (which would reverse my "condition" that was threatening to develop into cancer) and she thought the best thing was for me to have a surgery to remove my uterus. I really really don't like to be told that I can't do something, add in her quick response to remove a body part due to her unbelief that I could lose weight.. and I was so angry!!! This wasn't just a snap decision!!! This was my life and future and Chris' future as well! NO WAY!!! After that, for a couple of months I focused on eating less and moving more. In July of 2008, Chris and I went to the Y and hired personal trainers. That has been the GREATEST thing I have ever done! They keep us on track and pull us back when we get off track.
I started in May at 361 and had reached 307... EXACTLY 55 lbs lost!!! I recently have gained a bit back.. So now.. on April 1, 2009...
MY OFFICIAL WEIGH IN IS 316. (On the home scale in the morning)
I promise to you and to me that I will make that number go down!!!
Here are a few pics of my progress thus far!!!
Can't wait til these are a more distant memory!!!
I was trying to see how close I could get to the Pelican.
Brave sometimes I AM!
Sorry that this pic is so small.. I'll try to fix it. We used this as our Christmas card!
AND it was a full body shot!!! This is seriously the FIRST full body shot pic I have let anyone really see for a LONG long time!
Jan 2009...I was close to my current weight of 316 in this picture.
I don't have any recent pics, but this is pretty accurate as to where
I'm at now.
Thanks for reading this SUPER long post! Pray for me if you can. I know that I can get there, especially with amazing people in my life like YOU!!!