The Voice of TRUTH...

I had a revelation that I wanted to share with you this morning. It's been nagging me since the other day a little but this morning on my drive here it hit full on.....
I bought a little kid's cd because I was going to do youth music at church until it totally freaked me out and I said no.
BUT.. the song by Casting Crowns -The voice of Truth-was resung on there and the words rung LOUDLY in my ears. The song talks about listening to the Voice of Truth and not the lies that we have learned to believe.

Sometimes I'm just so afraid to try again, to invest my time, energy and my whole heart, and that's what it takes. Because I'm SCARED. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid and all I seem to hear are those voices telling me that it's not going to work and I'll never be able to beat this.
But I (WE) need to take heart and know that God is the voice of truth. And HIS message is one of freedom and love. Love when we fail and freedom from the guilt that has been ruling life. He gave us perfect bodies and wants us to be healthy. So... won't He then support us and give us the tools to do it? The tools to get through the rough stuff, the pain, and the doubt.
I'm choosing to listen and believe. I want the good things HE has for me on the other side of this. I'm ready to use my success for HIS glory and not for mine. I want a healthy body to use in service to Him. It's time I stop listening to the giant and listen to One who is bigger and stronger and who tells me to not be afraid. :)

Hangin in there...

Just wanted to touch base. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be my HONEST journey. My story, what I was accomplishing along with what I was struggling with.
I guess in that is my answer.

I've been struggling as of late, ever since June when we lost my Father in law. His last conversation with me while he lay in bed on his last day here on earth was one about getting healthy. His last words to me were to encourage me to lose weight. He didn't want me to struggle with health issues caused by being overweight. I made him a promise that day and I intend to keep it. Struggles or not. I will lose my weight. I will get thin and enjoy this life as the gift it is. He's gone, but I'm not. I'm still here. And I need to be responsible with the body God gave me. I need to take care of it and live the life that I'm meant to.

I said that I've been struggling lately. Oh man have I been!!! I've also been trying to figure out why, or what is really going on. I think it's because I was starting to believe the lie that I've always believed. That I CAN'T DO IT. Ummm.. yeah I can! I KNOW I can, or I never would have started this blog. That alone proves that at least for one moment, I believed I can do this.

I also think my year mark was detrimental to my progress. During the first year I thought, this isn't that bad. I can SO do this. But then July came, after our HUGE loss in June, and I was worn out. I just didn't believe that I had another year in me. I even told my friend Jen that I was stopping the blog because I just "DIDN'T HAVE TIME." That grew over into my workouts and then into my nutrition. I just DON'T HAVE TIME. That is such a bunch of crap. Yes I do. I have time to watch TV, or talk on the phone, or go out to eat. I also have time to grab candy from my co-workers candy bowls. (There are some GOOD candy bowls here!) ugh!!!
I gotta get it together man!

It's time to start believing in ME again and in my ability to beat this.
Anyone with me?

Why oh Why????? Bring on the lists...

OK, I have an assignment for you. I was just listening to my Jillian podcast and she asked WHAT DO YOU WANT?

So... What do YOU want... why do you want this? Do you want to wear a bikini? Do you want to wear those jeans you haven't been able to zip for the last three years? Do you want to run a 5K? Do you want to be able to walk a flight of stairs and not be out of breath at the end?

Honesty...I haven't been blogging because I've been a bit out of the game. I tried to wear a pair of capri's that TOTALLY fit this last spring, but nope, not the other day!!! UGH! I went the wrong way people!!! I don't know why. I'm trying to figure it out. I know it's because I've been a gym skipper and a snacker like NONE other, but WHY? AS I figure that out, the Why, I'm going to look at the above WHY. I'm thinking that to find my new motivation to keep me going after doing this for a whole year, that it will do me well to relook at WHAT I want and WHY I want it.
I challenge you to join in the fun. :)

(And my computer is back up and running, so I'll be able to blog much more regularly! YAY) So keep reading. :)

And those of you who don't want to comment on here, can totally e-mail me your list. I really want to read them. Even if you're not doing it yet, send me your lists people!!!

NOT a heart of fear!!!

I've come to a realization this last week...I realize that I am a fearful person. If you know me at all, you'd NEVER say that as I tend to make decisions rather quickly and also many times jump before I think. But it's true. I think being overweight for most of my life has given me a fearful heart in many ways. Here's why...

The other night when our friend Steven was here we went to Cosetta's in downtown St Paul. We met Mike and Ann for dinner and stood inside waiting for them. The place was very busy so Chris thought that someone should go upstairs to find a table big enough. So we went upstairs and Ann, Mike and Steven all stood in the line to get their food. (It's kind of cafeteria style.) Anyway, Chris went upstairs while I was still talking and then I headed up. It was almost like PTSD when I stood at the foot of the stairs. The last time I had been to Cosetta's was when Chris and I were planning our wedding, about FIVE years ago! The food is GREAT and he's mentioned various times about going there but I always pick somewhere else. I didn't even realize it but I was picking somewhere else because of those stairs!!! It's a crazy set of stairs and I remember climbing them that first time with Chris and being sweaty, out of breath, and about ready to pass out.

This time, I did them twice with no problem. Once to wait with Chris and then again after we had gone back down to get our food.

I know this will sound VERY crazy to those of you who are at a healthy weight, but for someone who is as overweight as me, life looks different. Normal activities are harder, and sometimes impossible. I used to say that being overweight didn't bother me. It didn't. I learned this weekend that I have simply avoided doing what made me uncomfortable... Cosetta's, the fair, MOA, even walking around the upper level of IKEA.... I'd suck it up and do those things but they were never ever my favorite. But... JUST like the stairs at Cosetta's didn't bother me at all this time, I need to remind myself that the other things that were scary before I was in better shape are going to be JUST FINE.

I also think this plays a part of me not enjoying cardio. I really don't. It's funny though... when I get to the gym I AM FINE... I love how my body feels and I am SO proud of the sweat on my shirt when I work out hard enough to get the little circle on the front of my collar. lol Weird, I know. But I think the ANTICIPATION is the bad part. I anticipate feeling like I did 5 years ago, the miserable, not being able to walk a half mile without passing out feelings. I haven't experienced healthy for long enough to remember that I CAN walk for an hour on the treadmill and not die and that it's actually fun! I've known the chubby out of shape Cheryl for so long, that it's hard for me to remember that I'm not her anymore. I'm a healthy person who likes to move her body and eat things that are healthy and not things that are going to destroy her health.

So if you're living your life out of fear, if it's ruling you in any way....take heart! Whether it's weight issues or just simply life... We CAN be past it, sometimes we just have to remember how far we've come.

Wagers...

So I made this wager with my friend Jen. My goal is to lose 20 lbs by Sept 1st!!! Crazy, eh? But I think I can do it. It's more than time to up the anty on all of this for a while. I've been flitting with my first big goal and NEED for many many reasons to meet it and get past it. It's to hit 299! I know that still sounds like a lot to many of you, but for me, I haven't been that since before my Dad got sick a few years ago AND even then it was for a short time.

It just has felt like something is holding me back from it. Something keeping it JUST out of reach. I don't know if it's psychological or if I'm sabotaging it or if I don't really believe I can get there or blah blah blah... I don't think it matters why. Don't get me wrong. I think that there are a LOT of psychological reasons why people become and stay severly overweight, including for me. And I think that working on those things are GREAT!!! But sometimes, you just have to dig in your heals and just do it. I have all the tools, an amazing husband who is so supportive, a great trainer who pushes me to do things I REALLY don't think I can do, friends who love me and want to see me healthy... there really is NO reason I can't do this. If I don't, it's because of me. It will be because of the choiced I have made.

Jen and I made this little wager. She and I both set a goal. If we both meet them, then we are going to have a clean eating and healthy potluck. If SHE makes it and I don't I have to make her a healthy meal and vice versa when I totally bring it and hit my goal. HA! I really hate to cook, so it's totally game on.

I did really well with it for the first week, the last couple of days have been a bit nutty due to some GREAT news in our little family, to be talked about later. Breifly..things on the adoption front are getting VERY exciting for us. It's very early in the process so I'll wait til I have more to share about this. (If you're dying e-mail me and I will tell you more, just not wanting to BLOG it for the whole world to possibly see!) ;) (But if you could pray for us THAT would be SO great!)
So...during the last couple of days there have been a few treats and we also have had two days off from the Y, but are back today! It's amazing how life, even the great parts will throw you for a loop at times. But no more... What is going on is a great thing and life will continue to bring both the good and the bad. Focus is necessary and crucial. I'm still figuring this out!

So Jen, watch out and you better get your veggies ready!!!!

Ohhhh also a quick hello to the new readers who have said hi.. and Steph.. I TOTALLY remember you! :)

ok,,, off to work!!! It's Friday!!!!

A Moment...

I've wanted to use a post to pay respect to a very dear friend's loss. Jen, from priorfatgirl.com lost her mom last Friday in a tragic accident. It was too soon and she was too young. There wasn't a chance for Jen to say good-bye. My heart breaks for her and I just ask that you would take a moment and pray for her family. Pray that they may know peace through this but also allow themselves to feel what they need to feel. My prayer for them, Jen and her family, is that they would know that the God who created each of them, including their Mom, is with them and loving them during this. Also that they would know that He continues to be by their side in the coming days as well.

There's lots more to say but it seems that I'm at a loss. We lost Chris' Dad in June and this makes our loss feel very fresh to us. The situation was different but both are such a great loss.
Losing a parent is somewhat inevitable but at the same time you just never ever think it will happen. I've meant to post about Sal and our loss but haven't taken the chance to. I think it makes me feel to much that I haven't been ready to feel. Through the last few days though, I've been thinking about him a lot and the wisdom that he left us with. I'm going to do my best to share later about our last conversation, it's very fitting for this blog. I do want to sort it out a bit more though.

Thank you for praying for my friend. May she know the peace that only her creator can give.

It's Comment Time...

If you've never commented on here before, now's the time.
For this post... I'm just posting questions.
I've been doing a lot of self examination today, and wanted your input.
More honesty...for the last 6 months my husband and I both have been in a holding pattern. We did REALLY well in the first 6 months. I lost close to 60 lbs and he lost 40ish. THAT is pretty rockstar!!! BUT... I've been gaining and losing the same 5-10 lbs SINCE THEN!!!
People have told me that it's just muscle gain (Ummm CRAP) or that my body is changing even though the scale isn't (ok, I'll take a little of that) OR... the most ridiculous one... I've hit a plateau!!!! Ummm NO... full on crap! I'm 300lbs, you don't hit plateaus when you are 300 lbs. I have far too much weight to lose off of my 5'6" body to say I've hit a plateau. AND even more ridiculous... there is NO way that both Chris and I hit the same plateau at the same time.
NOPE...we eat crap and we use excuses to not go to the gym.
That's are plateau.
So... trying to get back in it adn be in it and not fall out of it.

Here are my questions for you...
What do you do when it's going well? How do you keep yourself going?
What do you do when life gets crazy? How do you keep yourself going?
Do you use rewards? Do you not need them?
What do you do when you go out to eat?
How often do you go out to eat?
and my most serious question....
What do you do when you just don't WANT to? Simple as that. I sometimes just don't want to.

ok, last question...
Do you ever have moments that you're sitting on the couch instead of going to the gym or eating something that you KNOW you shouldn't have (ahem, Texas Roadhouse buns-did you know that they have 227 cals and that's WITHOUT the butter?) and you just don't care.. you know you should but you don't?

OK, bring on the comments. :)